How to be an MP, part 42. CV Cover Letter

How to be an MP, part 42. Writing a good CV cover letter.


Dear Sir / Madam,

I would like to propose myself as being the best choice for the ——- Party candidate at the forthcoming ——- election.  My experience and track record marks me out clearly as a natural choice.  Indeed testing at the Department of Psychiatry at University of Oxbridge has verified that I am a certifiable psychopath (see enclosed certificate) and hence  my callousness and lack of conscience is completely natural and hard wired, unlike the less reliable sociopath in which these traits are considered learned and not intrinsic.

Leadership and ingenuity came early to me.  My father was Master Baiter on the Maudwick Estate in rural Bampotshire.  In addition to organizing the annual seal clubbing hunt on the estate (I was responsible for the import of baby seals), we would also organize the popular peasant shoot, an event that our esteemed party leader regularly attends.  When pleb protests threatened the event we quickly mitigated this by disseminating WMDs (weapons of mass distraction): opening the gates to the plebs, singling out foreigners, questioning the legitimacy of those on benefit, providing cheap beer, Sky Sports on the jumbo screen, before finally releasing the hounds at the end of the day.

At university I was captain of the baiting team, played rugger and swam the English Channel.  I wrote my dissertation on Mechanisms for Phlebotomy of Igneous Rock and Social Media as a Tool of Subjugation.  As a summer posting I worked at the Home Office as a Gentleman’s Fluffer.  I also undertook a degree in Theology, my thesis entitled: How to accept Jesus even if he was a socialist hippy rebel.  This work explored techniques for absolution of guilt for loving the son of God while secretly hoping he delays his second coming until after one’s death.

After my stint in politics I intend to exit via the rotating port towards the City, finance being another industry to which my skills and characteristics would be ideally suited.

Blah, blah, blah…

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The DIY Austerity Experiment You Can Do!

Destination_DIY_logoDuring economic recession should a country increase spending or impose austerity?  So who is right in all this?  Economists have been fighting over this for centuries and still we have no answer.  Surely it must be simple?  Do we get out of a recession by cutting spending or increasing spending?  In the post war years Keynes led the way with massive investment programs and there followed the greatest improvement in the lives of working people since mankind was capable of judging such matters.  Friedman and his jolly cohorts then made inroads in the 1970s and Thatcher and Reagan implemented his demented thinking.  The fall of communism in 1990 removed any remaining need for restraint on the part of right-wing zealots and it has been a slippery slide for the 99% ever since.

The Nobel Prize for Economics is not one of the original prizes

The Nobel Prize for Economics is not one of the original prizes

austerityIf economists decorated with Nobel prizes and adept at advanced mathematics have failed to figure this out, then you may think you have no chance of doing so.  But I beg to differ. Get ready to make a difference to the history of mankind!  This is what you need to do:


  1. Next time you lose your job (say tomorrow) then just go home and stay there.
  2. Instruct the rest of your family to do the same.
  3. While sitting at home don’t do anything other that eat enough crap to survive and follow the instructions below.
  4. Get the Monopoly game box that’s been lying in the attic since cable TV, ADHD and Smart Phones were invented.
  5. Remove all the Monopoly money and discard the box.
  6. Decide that you could use this Monopoly money for splitting up household tasks equally among family members.
  7. Read about Milton Friedman and change your mind.
  8. Do not cook, clean, decorate, wash, or care for your elderly parents or handicapped kid – all this costs money.
  9. If forced by the Job Centre to go for a job interview do not repair or wash your clothes before attending aforesaid interview
  10. If you need food or need transport to travel to an interview that would require real money then borrow this money from the IMF or World or European Bank or other loan shark.
  11. Promise aforementioned banks or loan sharks that you will cut even further back on the use of Monopoly money at home in order to pay them back at some time in the future with the great riches you are sure to reap from your austerity plan.
  12. If great riches are not materializing, cut back further, remove food from aged parents and handicapped kid (they can’t fight back). Tell them we’re all in it together. Rinse and repeat.
  13. Bonus feature: Why not use any excess money you may be lumbered with to start a fight with a random neighbour on the other side of town?  Preferably one with an oil well in his garden.
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Any Random Therapy – the Ultimate Psychotherapy?

If you bother to take a look at Wikipedia’s list of psychotherapies you will find a rather impressive number of them. More so when you think there’s an even greater number of less official therapies hiding behind the self-improvement and quack banners or under the more esoteric philosophy or psychology labels.  And then you have special diets, exercises, religions, crystals, and anything else you may stumble across.  Let’s list some psychotherapies here to fill space:

  • Abreaction therapy
  • Adventure therapy
  • Attack therapy
  • Brief psychotherapy
  • Contemplative psychotherapy
  • Dance therapy
  • Future-oriented therapy
  • Nude psychotherapy
  • Primal Integration
  • Vegetotherapy
  • Wilderness therapy

Marcus Aurelius looking a bit pale

Now you would think that all psychotherapies have the intention of bring balance, peace and contentment to troubled souls, so what does it mean that there are so many psychotherapies all competing with each other for the chance to cure your ails?  Why would you choose one over another?  If I’m feeling run down how can I or a kind GP whether I need to indulge in Dance Therapy or just rip my clothes of and get Nude and talk seriously with another naked person.  Or run off into the Wilderness?  Now I am sure that the majority of these therapies (and self-improvement programs and diets and religions) are well meaning.  Probably the founders have put a great deal of enthusiasm into the development.  But what are they bringing to the table that the others didn’t?  Does anyone really have anything to add to what the Hindu’s knew 3000 years ago, or what Marcus Aurelius jotted down 2000 years ago?

Why is there after all these thousands of years still a steady stream of self-help books and new therapies?  How naive are we to think that after 3000 years the next flavour of the month, buy-one-get-one-free book we pick up while waiting for our flight is going to be the one that changes our lives forever?  The one that will remove those nagging doubts, that sense of apathy, disillusionment and discontent that rise regularly for no apparent reason?


The solution?  I propose the one therapy to rule them all – Any Random Therapy [(C) 2015 – Former Dundee Man].  Any Random Therapy (or A-RanT for short) is an umbrella over every therapy, philosophy and self-improvement guide that ever was and ever will be. Any Random Therapy says there’s some value in every one of these well meaning practices and to be honest it doesn’t really matter one iota which one you choose so long as you do it wholeheartedly and carry a sense of hope into the exercise.  To quote the great philosopher and tunneler Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption: “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”  So as you lug that new 500 page tome out of the airport book store, ready to fly it thousands of miles back to a place on the shelf, unread, alongside all the others you bought over the years, remember it’s the hope it temporarily instilled that made the purchase worthwhile (and not forgetting the the latest Stephen King novel you also picked up as part of the buy-one-get-one-free deal).

Any Random Therapy removes the need to study and carefully select a therapy from the multitude of offerings – a process which in itself causes needless stress and worry. Any Random Therapy simply allocates you with a random sub-therapy from the boat loads of existing therapies or a new one that you or your Any Random Therapist just invented.  Once the benefits and novelty of a certain sub-therapy wear off you simply select another.   No need to fret about looking flighty and insecure, hopping from one therapy to another, because you are a loyal follower of one single therapy: Any Random Therapy.  You’ve stuck with the program.  You know it makes sense and you’ve staked your sense of self to it.  A person who lives with purpose and confidence is half way there (don’t ask where there is).

mans-search-for-meaningOf course one will eventually understand that there are so many therapies out there because the creation and nurturing of a new therapy or self-help program is in its self the ultimate form of therapy.  Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy nails this with its concentration camp inspired “Man’s Search for Meaning” philosophy which essentially boils down to “with a strong enough why we can survive any how”.  So what can be a greater Why than the creation of a new psychotherapy that will finally save mankind from its self and from destroying the planet?

Any Random Therapy’s jewel in the crown is “Therapy Therapy”.  What the hell is that?  It means you enter a therapy program with the intention of creating a new therapy and becoming its chief evangelist.  Therapy Therapy provides all the tools you’ll need:

  • Clothes.  From shiny suit to woolly body warmer, we have it all
  • Persona – overconfident, smug bastard or smirking wise old man, we’ll help you develop your character
  • Dental treatment for that blinding dazzle
  • Buzzword and acronym generator apps for Android and iPhone
  • Automatic website builder
  • Third world sweatshop based ghost book writer
  • Webcam based 6 DVD boxset movie maker software with teleprompter
  • Twitter follower booster
  • Disciple recruitment drive
  • Franchise system – spread your message around the world
  • Legal advice

Don’t know about you, but I am feeling much better all ready!

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Difference between you and our leaders is that they would kill you

A large segment of our noble leaders whether religious, political or business are not like most of us.  That’s why there are relatively few of them compared to the teeming masses.  How does one rise to the highest levels of so-called success in an ultra-competitive, dog eat dog world?  Join me, Former Dundee Man, as I post my first seething but ultimately true rant of 2015.  I was not feeling quite right during the last week.  A blood test revealed that I was becoming toxic and the good Doctor quickly prescribed the writing of a blog post.  “Better out than in,” she said.

mooreSome years ago I chanced upon a video featuring the documentary film maker Michael Moore.  He was being interviewed at a college, I believe, and they had all the time in the world to explore various subjects.  I wish I could locate this video again, because there was one comment in there that has stayed with me ever since.  Over the years a number of right wing politicians and TV personalities have openly said they wished Moore would be executed (reports that he died this month are bollocks).  Now we’re all used to neo-conservative arseholes saying indefensible crap but Moore’s point was that liberals would never say such things.  And that is exactly the point.  The right-wingers that have ultimately taken control of the western world will kill to keep their control and preserve the status quo (is there any significant difference between UK Labour and Conservative, or US Democrat and Republican?).  The balance that democracy supposedly provides by having a left-wing is not really a balance at all because I don’t know many true liberal politicians proposing to murder neo-cons or illegally flatten foreign countries for their oil.

NSAWhen someone has broken into your house naked and carrying a hunting knife, delivering them a rousing speech on the merits of all being nice to each other and sharing the burden is not really going to help.  That’s what the remnants of the left wing are essentially up against.  The neo-conservatives see no issue in implementing a surveillance system to record and monitor the correspondence of every citizen.  If you in the future are deemed a political threat to the right wing ideals then they’ll search back through the decades to locate or plant that one time you  accidentally got a virus on your PC that took you to “Barely Legal Getting Big and” and hint to you that you would not like this info to be leaked.

thumb-hunter-s-thompson-quotes-crime-society-20731Now the idea of using this kind of dirt on opponents is repulsive to a great many of us normal, average folk.  But to the maniacs that stalk our corridors of power it is no big deal. You need to ask yourself what does it take to employ the services of a call girl, let alone molest a child, but apparently such activities occur regularly among those with wealth and control.  What does it take to do such things on a regular basis?  What kind of a person does that make you become?  Would you still flinch if you needed to bring down the career of an opponent, or turn great swathes of the population against minorities?

How the hell will normal folk who apparently still want some level of equality, sustainability, public ownership and accountability overcome a system that is riddled with the kinds of characters that would not lose sleep if Michael Moore got a bullet through the head?

Happy New Year, readers.

No, wait, I’m not going to sign off like that.  I’m also an engineer and my work involves solving problems.  Where you strip back the vague, pseudosciences of psychology, sociology and economics you are still left with physics.  In the end there is a physical order to the universe even if we have not yet captured it in one large glorious scrawl on a blackboard.  This year I will set myself the task of using science to explore such issues as the effect of economic growth and morality on the world.  Of course the universe does not care what we do, that is what is so great about the universe, but ultimately if we as a species destroy our planet before we manage to vacate it then that has a profound effect.  So I ask what are the final, logical conclusions of unbalanced, extreme human behaviour?  Can I write a computer program (or heaven forbid, an “app”) that demonstrates clearly google-play-app-storethe repercussions of variables such as “steady” growth, surveillance or lowering inheritance tax?  Do I think such an app/computer program will have any discernible effect on world politics?  No.  Do I think it may get me through the days marginally better?  Yes.


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Our Society is Run by Junkies (and don’t kid yourself)

society-addictIs society increasingly dominated by people who are for all intents and purposes junkies?  Look at the evidence.  How do our business leaders and our politicians behave?  From a review of the 1992 book When Society Becomes an Addict by Anne Wilson Schaef:

Many politicians behave like addicts,as they are hooked on control, promising things will get better(but they do not), denying problems and denying alternative ways of doing things.

Let’s break this down:

  1. Hooked on control: how often do politicians, bankers, business men resign or take full responsibility for anything when something goes wrong?
  2. Promising things will get better: we’re all in it together.  It will be tough for a time but all hard working people will benefit in the future. Just give us another 5 years and we’ll master the deficit and bring economic growth.
  3. Denying problems: Climate change is not really that big a problem.  Loss of manufacturing is not an issue; service sector jobs can take its place.  All problems are down to Muslims, global changes (that will be for the best long run), work shy immigrants, handicapped and unemployed.
  4. thatcher-tinaDenying alternative ways of doing things: only economic growth, nuclear weapons, nuclear power, oil, austerity, invading other countries, privatisation, class division, and an old boys network can lead to a better future. Thatcher famously said: There Is No Alternative (TINA).

And then on the personal level we have people addicted to speed.  No not the drug, but the lifestyle.  Be on-line, contactable 24/7.  Post shite on Twitter and Facebook incessantly and check on other peoples’ shite.  It’s 09:18 and I am here.  It’s 09:19 and I am there.  It’s 09:20 and…  Look at me.  I exist.  I make noise.  I consume.  Race for some target somewhere.  Oh damn the local supermarket actually closes on Christmas Day.  What are we going to do?  We’ll starve.  Let’s go at 3am the day before.  How did people survive before mobile phones, internet and 24 hour a day open stores?

Dotonbori_19Exams are hard.  Universities are funded according to results.  Make the exams easier.  Society of people who know very little, can do very little, but with pumped up egos and attitude fueled by Red Bull and a complicit, rampant self-improvement industry.  Want to be a champion, a leader?  Or do you just want to be some hopeless also ran?  Seek out some motivation hip hop video on YouTube and drag your sorry carcass to the gym at 5am (do any gyms open at 5am or is that only in the self-improvement books?).  Go to the gym and workout even if you do not feel like it.  Feel?  Don’t waste time feeling.  Down another Red Bull, pop another Ritalin and charge on.  Make decisions quickly.  Don’t look back.  Don’t apologize.  Don’t expose any weakness.  You are the alpha male even if you’re female.  Be the man.

Environment and alternative energy is all very well for tree huggers, spiritual types, but the realistic among us need to stay focused on economic growth, jobs and the next election, next quarterly results.  Ayn Rand said people acting in their own self-interests is the best for the whole, and everyone who is anyone reads Ayn Rand.  The world is so full of complex nuances and infinite shades of grey, get lost in that and you’ll never appear strong.  Tough decisions call for tough leaders.

Depressed_(4649749639)Let’s keep running, chase the end of the rainbow for that pot of gold that awaits us.  Climb the ladder of success, salvation awaits.  Salvation takes the form of wealth, power, control, fame, a feeling of invulnerability and success.  You know like that hit, that rush, that dimming out of reality that most less socially acceptable forms of addition offer.

And when you ultimately fail to live up to these insane demands society places upon you, turn further into your addiction, or to another one.  Block out.  Deny.  Ignore.  Go back to the start.  Put your head down.  Charge on again. There Is No Alternative.


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How did Overhead become more Important than Work?

labour-party-uk_454As a modern society we decide that there is a minimum standard of living and facilities that we are prepared to tolerate.  If we had not desired this then we’d all still be living in caves and chasing our food and gathering berries.  In more recent times we’ve refined the definition of an advanced society.  If we explore the basis of this then we could conclude that people have the right to safety, food, water, sanitation, warmth, medical assistance, shelter, comfort, companionship, children, purpose.  How do we supply these?  Via a system of law and law enforcement, farming, sewers, pipes, power generation, housing, hospitals, ability to live with family.  How do we arrange this?  Education, research, cooperative endeavors (government?), infrastructure design and maintenance, etc.  If we want medicine and clean water we need to research and learn how to achieve these goals.  En route we need to learn how to build hospitals and reservoirs and pipes, and this requires engineering.

We are free to earn more on the side by making viral YouTube videos of cats flushing toilets, programming useless Apps, supplying phone-sex and a whole hoard of enriching endeavors with lottery scale odds of ever offering a return

too-big-to-failOf course to make engineering and these other things happen a system to facilitate the exchange of services and product must be devised and this is where money comes in.  A solid financial system will enable enough money to be present in the system when required and minimize corruption.  Furthermore we may also want to maintain some modicum of administration to ensure we keep track of what is going on and for future reference. Computers are good for such purposes, assisting those tasked with handling administration.  And some elected officials that will oversee the whole thing, like politicians.  I define this layer as being “overhead”.

What can conclusion can we rapidly draw from the above?  Finance and administration come at the bottom the list of priorities and are purely of service to the education, engineering, maintenance, training and all the other tasks that are at the front line of providing the safety, food, warmth, shelter, medicine, family that we’ve decided are of primary importance.  The world of commercial finance should ultimately be about efficiently connecting investors and those needing investment.

moodysSo why have the financiers and administrators (e.g. accountants, economists, bankers, politicians, computing specialists) – the Overhead – become the masters of the universe?  Those not part of this merry gang are being increasingly marginalized in many countries.  With the financial crash of 2007 (caused by reckless financiers and politicians) and the rise of austerity (advised by the same imbeciles) we see the victimization of immigrants, disabled, unemployed and now the growing swathes of employed who find themselves earning less than a living wage.  Even front line workers like nurses, cleaners, teachers, and security guards cannot earn enough to keep them above the poverty line – the line we as a society said we all deserve to live above.  If we are stupid enough to become a nurse, cleaner or teacher then it’s apparently our fault – caring professions are reward unto themselves and to manage we are free to earn more on the side by making viral YouTube videos of cats flushing toilets, programming useless Apps, supplying phone-sex and a whole hoard of enriching endeavors with lottery scale odds of ever offering a return.  But the servants of the servants – the financiers, the computer specialists, the politicians, the directors – are living ever more decadent, rarefied lives.  We’ve turned the whole pyramid of what defines a modern society upside down.  Everyone serves this select elite who in turn serve no one other than themselves.

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UBER and the Insanity of Neocon Tech Solutionism

The disease of Neo-conservative extreme capitalism, right wing policies, and massive inequality and corruption is on an unstoppable rampage around the globe.  Their endorsers include the solutionists (can solve any problem with an app or gadget) and the self-improvement cultists (can solve any problem with the right attitude and if not then it’s your fault).


Yesterday it was announced that UBER – the controversial tech ride sharing internet web company kind of thing – is valued at $41 billion.  What the hell does that mean other than it being the flavour of the month financial bubble that your pension fund will be funneling your cash into in order not to miss out?  UBER have a computer program that coordinates taxi rides.  Their actual earnings are tiny in comparison to the few real $40 billion companies in the world.  It’s not the Apollo moon missions.  It’s not splitting the atom.  It’s not discovering a cure for Aids.  It’s not allowing 12 nanometre scale computer chips.  It’s not bringing fresh water and sanitation to the billions of people who still go without these basic needs.

No it’s a way of allowing any fucktwit to act as a part time, underpaid, freelance, pensionless, healthcare less taxi driver and then for UBER to take a slice of whatever they make.

nhs logoWhenever someone comes a long saying they revolutionize this or that “problem” then we need to ask questions.  Underneath every thing being “solved” there is a real piece of work that needs performing.  Privatizing healthcare and bringing in dozens of insurance companies is meant to save money?  How?  What is the real work?  The real work is surgeries, nursing, cleaning, consulting.  Each of these things take a set amount of time for which people need to receive a fair salary.  How can adding layers of technology and further profit making private operators ever do this more optimally?  Only by cutting salaries of the people doing the real work, cutting the time permitted for said work and in general cutting corners.

We can look at economic systems as also behaving according to physical laws.  In other words, work needs to be performed if we are to live in a desired manner.  If we cut corners and don’t compensate people fairly (salary, conditions, security) this will ultimately influence the total, i.e. the society, the world, in which all parts operate.

TEDThe Neo-con, tech obsessed mindset is always thinking we can find a better way to do things.  If they could make all the food, services and products a country needs using just robots they’d do it.  They’d appear on a TED talk taking in that trademarked smart ass tone that most TED talks are given in and say how they managed to fire 99% of a country’s workforce and replace them with robots built in China.  And damn it we’re not going to pay all these slackers’ welfare payments either.  99% of their countrymen can’t afford their products, never mind, there’s the global marketplace to think of.

slumNo in the end we’re in a closed system and the numbers need to add up.  On planet Earth if we decide we want a certain standard of living and this should be sustainable for so many thousands of years then there are specific steps that are required to be made to achieve this goal.  This is the real work in the world: healthcare, teaching, engineering, farming, research, building, making, cleaning, maintenance.  Money, politics and information technology simply serve the first order tasks.  They are a means to an end.  These secondary order tasks are unfortunately also the best paid and consistently pull at the strings of the first order tasks, whether that is a private equity group buying up products and services they have no understanding of, or a bunch of ass hole Silicon Valley solutionist techies trying to take over the world of taxi cab rides.

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