How to be an MP, part 42. Writing a good CV cover letter.
Dear Sir / Madam,
I would like to propose myself as being the best choice for the ——- Party candidate at the forthcoming ——- election. My experience and track record marks me out clearly as a natural choice. Indeed testing at the Department of Psychiatry at University of Oxbridge has verified that I am a certifiable psychopath (see enclosed certificate) and hence my callousness and lack of conscience is completely natural and hard wired, unlike the less reliable sociopath in which these traits are considered learned and not intrinsic.
Leadership and ingenuity came early to me. My father was Master Baiter on the Maudwick Estate in rural Bampotshire. In addition to organizing the annual seal clubbing hunt on the estate (I was responsible for the import of baby seals), we would also organize the popular peasant shoot, an event that our esteemed party leader regularly attends. When pleb protests threatened the event we quickly mitigated this by disseminating WMDs (weapons of mass distraction): opening the gates to the plebs, singling out foreigners, questioning the legitimacy of those on benefit, providing cheap beer, Sky Sports on the jumbo screen, before finally releasing the hounds at the end of the day.
At university I was captain of the baiting team, played rugger and swam the English Channel. I wrote my dissertation on Mechanisms for Phlebotomy of Igneous Rock and Social Media as a Tool of Subjugation. As a summer posting I worked at the Home Office as a Gentleman’s Fluffer. I also undertook a degree in Theology, my thesis entitled: How to accept Jesus even if he was a socialist hippy rebel. This work explored techniques for absolution of guilt for loving the son of God while secretly hoping he delays his second coming until after one’s death.
After my stint in politics I intend to exit via the rotating port towards the City, finance being another industry to which my skills and characteristics would be ideally suited.
Blah, blah, blah…